Gestar é olhar-se no espelho

 

Gestar é olhar-se no espelho e se confrontar com seus mais variados lados. Uma mistura de emoções e sentimentos, de confrontos e encontros nem sempre desejados.

É assim que me senti nos primeiros meses desta atual gestação – nua, desprotegida, cansada, confusa, caindo e engatinhando constantemente, sem conseguir amparar-me em nenhuma bengala. Sem menos esperar surgia o tal do espelho novamente e sempre me mostrava um lado meu até então desconhecido ou escondido.

Nada me garantia de nada.

Nenhuma experiência bonitinha e harmônica do passado, nada já lido ou mesmo vivido, dito ou ouvido parecia garantir-me de que “amanhã seria um outro dia”. Não conseguia meditar – algo que já estava bem integrado dentro de mim. Não conseguia encontrar algum tipo de conexão interna. Acordava cansada do dia que mal havia começado – acordava cansada de mim mesma. O espelho me mostrava a mesma Bárbara, dia após dia.

Eu não tinha para onde fugir – parecia querer fugir de mim mesma. O bendito espelho sempre me encontrava nas situações mais corriqueiras e banais. Era ali, principalmente com meu marido e filha, que eu via a Bárbara do espelho em ação. Uma Bárbara impaciente, cheia de contradições e medos – uma Bárbara imperfeita.

E a cobrança via em peso: “Mas como assim, eu estou gestando um bebê que tanto quis e justo agora me sinto tão desconectada dele, tão confusa internamente”. Para potencializar a situação as noites começaram a ficar mais longas e os dias (sem sol) mais curtos aqui na Alemanha – quem mora aqui sabe do que estou falando. E a saudade do Brasil ia chegando… A vontade de fugir era grande.

Pode não parecer politicamente correto, mas tinha dias em que me sentia feito uma cega em tiroteio, não sabendo muito bem para onde correr. Tinha a sensação de ter esquecido de tudo ou de não conseguir fazer de outro jeito. Parecia haver alguma força maior dentro de mim me jogando na cara que agora a história era outra e de que nada do passado me serviria. Talvez tenha servido para outras situações, mas agora a história é outra, o capítulo é outro, a vida é outra, o bebê é outro – eu sou outra.

Sim, posso dizer que passei por uma crise. Se bem que gestação cai muito bem também.

Não que gestar seja sinônimo de crise, mas vejo como sinônimo de transformação. Pois estou gestando o quê? Só um bebê? Não se fala tanto que quando um bebê nasce, nasce também uma mãe. Pois sinto que estou gestando uma nova mãe. Uma mãe de três filhos que não é a mesma que uma mãe de duas ou de uma. Parece que preciso acreditar que um terceiro braço, terceiro seio, terceiro colo nascerá de dentro de mim. Uma nova mãe está pra nascer – uma mãe que não consegue mais usar as receitinhas, dicas e hábitos para viver em paz e harmonia – tudo parece não fazer sentido ou não “funcionar”. Uma mãe que está tendo que reconhecer muita sombra dentro dela. Que se via (e se vê vez ou outra ainda) tão impaciente e às vezes levantando o tom da voz para suas filhas – coisa tão abominável por ela até então. Essa mãe sou eu. Essa mulher sou eu. Essa pessoa sou eu.

Estou tendo que me ver nua e crua, com minhas feridas na alma. Medos que até então pareciam ficar em silêncio lá em baixo em algum lugar no porão, vinham me visitar ao pé da cama.

Mas sei que nada é permanente. Sinto que há um mês o espelho me deu uma trégua – ou eu entendi seu recado. Resinifiquei muito da visão que tinha de gestação, de maternidade e também do meu processo de autoconhecimento.

É tudo um ciclo.

Estou viva, sou humana, imperfeita – e está tudo bem com isso.

Sou grata a esta gestação por me mostrar novos horizontes numa dimensão desconhecida – de horizontes sem horizontes. Mas de entrega e humildade.

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