Como num voo majestoso, meu bebê se foi…

Este texto é continuação do meu relato pessoal da experiência que vivi recentemente sobre uma gravidez seguida de aborto espontâneo. A primeira parte tratou das semanas onde carreguei meu bebê no meu ventre. A segunda parte se refere a sua partida.

Para ler a primeira parte, clique aqui.

(A última parte terminou com a confirmação do teste de que eu realmente estava grávida).

 

Uma semana depois

Dia 30 de maio de 2017

Ainda não contamos para ninguém que estamos esperando mais um bebê. Diferentemente das outras gestações, não tenho sentido vontade de contar para ninguém que estou grávida. Estou curtindo viver isso num certo silêncio. Quero esperar o fim-de-semana para falar com minha mãe, assim posso ver a reação dela no Skype (eu moro na Alemanha e ela no Brasil). Mas fora ela e meu pai, não quero ficar contando para Deus e o mundo. Nem as meninas sabem ainda (minhas duas filhas de 5 e 2 anos).

Por questões práticas, resolvi “garantir” minha parteira para final de janeiro de 2018 e liguei hoje para a Birte. Ela achou que eu ligava por causa de trabalho (já que sou doula) mas não, era para lhe contar que já somos 5. Ela ficou muito feliz! Ela tem uma amorosidade e um carinho tão grande! Meu Deus, como sou grata por poder lhe ter como parteira mais uma vez!

 

Dia 31 de maio de 2017 (lua crescente)

Meu bebê se foi… Assim, de repente… sem se despedir, sem me dar qualquer sinal… Se foi como um pássaro que fez seu ninho próximo de um lago e logo seguiu viagem… se foi como num vôo…

Por algum motivo o qual ainda não sei, ele(a) se foi, voltou pro céu…

De manhã tive um sangramento que continua a se estender. Sinto muito, muito por isso. Estou profundamente triste. Sinto muito que aquele bebê que se aproximou do meu coração com todo seu calor, o meu bebê anunciado pelo Arcanjo Gabriel, se foi. Sinto muito que aquele bebê já percebido pela Luma bem antes de eu sequer imaginar que estaria grávida de novo, se foi. Eu te amo meu bebê, hoje e por todo sempre.

Percebi o sangramento cinco minutos antes de iniciar uma sessão de leitura de aura para uma pessoa do Brasil. Fui ao banheiro fazer xixi quando me surpreendi com o sangue na minha calcinha. Por alguns segundos pareço não entender e acreditar no que estou vendo. Respiro fundo, mas pareço ter sido transportada para outra dimensão e dou uma paralisada por alguns segundos… Nossa, e a leitura? Será que conseguirei estar neutra e presente para fazer esta leitura? Não, é claro que não; ainda mais esta leitura específica: trata-se de uma mulher que não consegue engravidar e quer saber o que está por trás de tudo isso.

Meio flutuando, vou até meu computador e escrevo um e-mail a ela lhe pedindo desculpas e dizendo que um imprevisto acontecera e que não poderei lhe atender – íamos fazer a leitura via Skype.

Espero o Rapha terminar sua ligação, lhe chamo no corredor e, mais uma vez, não sei quais palavras usar para dizer o que tinha que ser dito… Com as mãos no ventre e o olhar meio perdido, lhe digo que o estou sangrando e sinto que o bebê se foi. Mais uma vez, nos abraçamos sem dizer nada.

Agora consigo sentir uma compaixão muito grande com outras mulheres que também já viveram algo semelhante. É como se antes de ter vivido isso na pele não conseguisse REALMENTE nem imaginar a dor que é “perder” um bebê – mesmo só estando grávida de 7 semanas. Sinto uma ligação vinda de um lugar de muita irmandade com todas estas mulheres. Enquanto doula, sei da importância desta empatia e compaixão, mas sou sincera e reconheço que só agora sei o que é este sentimento. Pude sentir o que muitas mulheres já sentiram.

 

Dia 1° de junho

O sangramento ainda continua e de tarde minha energia foi baixando bastante. O cansaço extremo veio trazendo uma grande tristeza e uma forte dor de cabeça consigo. Minha cabeça doeu de um jeito como nunca havia doído antes. Liguei pra Birte (minha parteira) mas ela não estava. Até então não havia falado com ela ou ido ao médico. Não via necessidade. Deixei recado na sua secretária eletrônica chorando ao lhe dizer que havia perdido o bebê. Depois do trabalho, o Rapha foi para piscina com as meninas e eu tentei descansar, mas só chorava e minha cabeça latejava.

Quando eles voltaram, eu realmente estava bem mal: uma forte dor de cabeça, calafrio, um pouco de enjoo e em dois momentos senti pontadas na barriga. Será que terei contração??? Isso tudo tá parecendo um trabalho de parto com dor. Será que eu vou entrar em trabalho de parto?? Ai que preguiça de contração! Minha cabeça tá doendo, eu quero é ficar aqui quietinha embaixo das cobertas! Mas não tive contração nenhuma, tudo desceu facilmente.

Emilia, minha filha de 5 anos, e Rapha pareciam bastante preocupados comigo. Senti que ela não conseguia me ver assim mal.

Finalmente conseguimos falar com a Birte, a parteira. Só ouvir a voz dela já me fez bem. Me recomendou tomar três vezes, trinta gotas de tintura de própolis nas próximas três horas e bastante chá de alquemila (Frauenmantel). Incrível pensar que há duas semanas, peguei umas mudinhas desta planta para replantá-la aqui em casa. Ela disse também para ficar em repouso, na cama (nem conseguia pensar em fazer outra coisa, a não ser me fundir com a minha bolsa de água quente) e que, se eu sentisse necessidade, deveria ir para o hospital. Até então não tinha ido ao médico e não via necessidade disso, até porque não tinha febre e sentia meu corpo no seu processo natural. Caso a gente não conseguisse os chás e a tintura de própolis, ela viria me trazer. Isso já era oito horas da noite e ela mora há quase uma hora daqui. Fiquei muito tocada por ela se propor em vir até aqui, me ver. Sei que ela recebe por este trabalho, mas mesmo assim…

Depois disso uma rede de mulheres foi engajada para me ajudar: Alena (minha vizinha), Dani (terapeuta holística de saúde da mulher) e as duas parteiras locais, Sandra e Miora. Deitada na cama pude sentir essa ajuda e cuidado vindo de todos os lados. Morando nesta casa de mais de 400 anos onde moro, neste povoadinho com seus menos de 70 habitantes, me senti num filme de antigamente, quando uma mulher ficava doente e várias outras da comunidade vinham ajudá-la. Meu coração se encheu de alegria e gratidão!

Sei que os médicos dizem que um quarto das gestações acabam num aborto espontâneo nas suas primeiras semanas, mas esse tipo de informação é completamente vazio para mim. Quer ir fundo e buscar o por quê disso tudo.

Então por que será que meu bebê se foi? Eu e o Rapha o recebemos de braços e corações abertos. Nós estamos numa fase tão boa… Não vivi nenhum choque ou trauma… Será que tem algum problema no meu corpo? É bem provável que a resposta seja outra e que essas perguntas mostram algumas ilusões que vivem em mim e que estão ligadas a este assunto. Sim, pois é claro que até mesmo um casal que briga também engravida, ou pessoas que sofrem traumas… A resposta não seria por aqui. Não importa, esses questionamentos também pairam sobre minha cabeça e acho importante reconhecer cada uma delas, por mais ridículas que pareçam. A resposta clara e certeira não me vem direta, mas aos pouquinhos, de gotinha em gotinha.

De qualquer forma, já posso ver quanta fantasia existia em mim em relação a este assunto, em bem no fundinho acreditar que perder um bebê não coubesse no meu ideal de “família perfeita”. Sou humana e passar por uma perda gestacional não faz uma mulher pior ou melhor que a outra.

Já bem tarde na noite, depois que a dor de cabeça passara, volto a me perguntar o porquê de tudo isso. Sinto no fundo do meu coração como amei este bebê! Ele não ficou muito tempo na minha vida, somente 7 semanas, mas durante todo esse tempo ele foi muito amado por mim! Recebeu todo meu amor e acolhimento, mesmo antes de eu saber que ele(a) realmente já estava aqui. Diz-se que a noção de tempo no mundo espiritual é outra, por isso “lá” não existem 7 semanas. Não há diferença entre 7 semanas ou 70 anos. Talvez fosse esse um dos acordos que nós dois tínhamos um com o outro: o de viver o amor na sua potência, mas num curto período de tempo. Se foi isso, então sim!, nós realmente vivemos esse amor na sua forma não-material. E nesse momento viro a chave interna e escrevo no meu diário: e se ao invés de perda gestacional eu falasse de ganho? Mas ao mesmo tempo quase que me julgo por pensar assim.

Às 11 da noite ligo para minha mãe. Foi muito bom conversar com ela e falar do que aconteceu. Até então ela não sabia de nada. Quando lhe contei ficou muito surpresa e triste também. Pude sentir o amor dela por este bebê.

 

Dia 2 de junho de 2017

Dormi a noite toda e de manhã já não senti nenhum mal-estar. Sinto-me sensível e mesmo não tendo tido barriga nestas 7 semanas, é claro, sinto um vazio no ventre – como depois do parto. Me sinto num pós-parto light, com a marcha lenta, sensível e sem energia para fazer alguma força física. Aproveito e me permito viver esse processo.

Meu sangramento está num vermelho tão lindo! É um vermelho claro feito aquarela. Será que deveriam descer coágulos?

No telefone, a Birte me falou que não preciso ficar me pressionando, achando que preciso de um sangramento mais denso. Ela me disse que às vezes algumas mulheres digerem mais internamente o que estão passando e que não sangram exageradamente. Tanto um quanto o outro tipo de sangramento são “ok”.

De tarde já me sinto mais estável e firme. Sinto como esta experiência, por mais dolorosa que tenha sido, me fez crescer! Me sinto viva e ainda mais forte que antes. Parte minha sofre com esta perda, é claro. Sofre por não poder pegar esse bebê nos braços, sentir seu cheirinho e pele macia. Por não poder lhe acompanhar na vida aqui na Terra. Mas seu propósito parece que era outro. O propósito da nossa relação era outro. Da mesma forma, outra parte minha reconhece como meu terceiro bebê me proporcionou um enorme e profundo crescimento. Não sei se já consigo colocar isso em palavras, mas sinto uma maturidade interna que até então não existia aqui dentro.

Ao mesmo tempo, minha mente parece querer me pregar uma peça e às vezes começa a duvidar de tudo isso. Será que eu realmente estava grávida? Será que o segundo teste de gestação funcionou, já que o primeiro deu negativo? Será que não era minha menstruação que estava atrasada e finalmente desceu? Será que isso tudo foi real? É claro que foi, meu coração sente e sabe que foi. Minha alma sente o vínculo com este ser que veio me visitar, me presentear com seu calor e amor – no que pude retribuir e viver este amor também com ele -, e depois se foi, no seu vôo majestoso.

 

Dia 4 de junho de 2017

Continuo com sangramento, mas estou melhor emocionalmente. Sinto que é uma portinha ainda semi-aberta do meu coração, mas tudo tem seu tempo.

Me faço uma auto-leitura de aura com este tema, o que me ajuda a compreender um pouco mais sobre as dinâmicas em movimento. Como imagem, vejo um pingente de pérola (representando o bebê) que me é oferecido e ao pendurá-lo numa corrente, uma camada de gelo ao redor do meu corpo vai se derretendo e vou ganhando mais cores e vida. A pérola também se desfaz nesse processo. Sinto como esta gestação e perda gestacional me transformaram, limpando ilusões e máscaras que viviam em mim e que eu as carregava. Mas sei e sinto que a transformação ainda não acabou…

Pois transformação nunca é estática ou pontual. Aceitar as mudanças é compreender que podemos seguir em frente com humildade, amadurecimento e confiança na vida!

Não existe imagem de mulher perfeita, de mãe perfeita, de família perfeita. Mas é também essa imperfeição que nos faz perfeitas, dinâmicas, vivas e humanas.

 

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2795 Responses

  1. Cleyde

    Filha querida que depoimento lindo! Deus abençõe vc e o Rapha, e lhes dê a clareza e entendimento deste processo, e a nós também, porque mesmo sem saber da existência do bebê presente, sentimos amor por ele e sentimos também a perda dele, mas que pode ter sido ganho como vc mesmo disse, ganho de um sentimento por nós desconhecidos ,o ganho do amor por um serzinho que não nos foi proporcionado a oportunidade de ver, abraçar, acariciar, mas fomos acariciados pelo sentimento de amor!! obrigada filha pelo relato, amamos vcs!!

    • Barbara Zimmermann

      Com certeza mãe, esse bebe veio nos presentear com muito amor!
      Nós também te amamos. um beijo

  2. Fernanda

    Que relato fantástico!!!! Sinto pela sua perda e me emocionei com suas palavras!!! Você é especial!!!

    • Barbara Zimmermann

      Oi Fe, obrigada pelas tuas palavras. Um grande beijo pra ti.

  3. Karina

    Barbara, terminei de ler a segunda parte do seu relato. Muito emocionante! Eu, que já passei por isso 3 vezes, entendo completamente estes sentimentos todos. O luto busca por respostas. Gostei de quando vc disse que não há diferença entre 7 semanas e 70 anos. E não há mesmo. Eu amo todas aquelas almas que se uniram a mim por o tempo que elas precisavam e me lembro de quando seria a previsão do parto de todas. Fui me reerguendo aos poucos e demorou na verdade um ano para eu dizer que tinha superado. Cada mulher tem o seu tempo e sua forma de trabalhar internamente. Desejo que o coração de vcs encontre um conforto e que a confiança não se perca. É uma parte da nossa alma que se vai para sempre, mas ela tb não pára de refazer. (penso eu, na minha ignorância)
    Um beijo

    • Barbara Zimmermann

      Oi Karina, obrigada pela tua mensagem e palavras!
      Também te envio muito carinho e sinto muito pelas tuas 3 perdas. E como tu falou, cada mulher tem seu tempo e sua maneira de lidar com isso. É uma experiência forte mesmo.
      Que cada uma de nós, mulheres, possamos encontrar o apoio que necessitamos para reintegrar nossas partes perdidas nisso tudo.
      Um beijo.

  4. Bruna Francine

    Que relato lindo ❤ coisas inexplicáveis, sentimentos verdadeiros. Como é difícil passar por essa dor.
    Passei por isso, e mesmo estando as 31 semanas de gestação depois de um ano da perda, Não sinto que substitui, nenhum filho substitui o outro. Eu amei e desejei meu bebe, ele ficoi comigo por 11 semanas. Eu o vi no ultrassom, eu o vi sair (a parte mais dolorida, você ver seu bebê -que chamam ainda de feto – ali pequeno e indefeso, sem poder desenvolver-se). Mas ele me ensinou tanto, me fez mãe de 3 lindos anjos, hoje tenho minha primeira menina na terra, ao meu lado, meu segundo anjo no céu, e meu terceiro aqui na barriga.
    Medos, frustrações, decepções, são sentimentos péssimos que me acompanham, mas existe o sentimento maior de todos que me faz ver que não foi uma perda (como você disse em seu texto: um ganho.) E não estamos erradas de pensar assim. Afinal, se concebemos, ganhamos, e sabemos que filhos nunca são nossos, são apenaa seres emprestamos a nós para cuidarmos de forma a nós mesmos nos tornarmos melhor. E como digo: para o mundo sempre serei mãe de dois. Mas para sempre mãe de três em meu coração.

    Obrigada por compartilhar sua experiência. Me fez relembrar positivamente (que estranho isso) a pior/mais dolorosa experiência da minha vida.

  5. Marianna Muradas

    Bárbara muita gratidão a você por esse relato. Cheguei na sua página pois minha sobrinha que te conhece me comentou sobre o seu próximo grupo.
    Passei por uma perda e crescimento exatamente ao mesmo tempo que vocês. Seu relato me tocou profundamente e me
    trouxe muito acalanto.
    Sinto muito pela sua perda e entendo cada palavra que saiu do seu coração e tocou tanto o meu de forma tão linda
    Muito obrigada
    Beijos e um abraço com muito carinho te enviando muita Luz e amor

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